Saturday, July 10, 2010

So Up and Down, Here we go again

If I'm going to be honest this blog isn't just about ttc after Gracie. This blog is my outlet for all the things I want to say that I don't want my IRL people and my non blms to know about. I'm telling you I never realized the world of support out there that I'd find after I started Gracie's blogspot blog. This community is one of the most compassionate, loving and caring communities I've ever been a part of. I'm so thankful for each and everyone of you. Not that I'm not thankful for my IRL friends and family it's just that because they don't always get it and they say insensitive things at times and I feel spied on at times with the God's Gracie blog, I feel like they inhibit my ability to get it all out there and find healing.

So we still are ttc, and I'm still hopefull this month could be it. Counting down to ovulation day and doing the dance every other day until that day and then daily after ovulation. My husband agreed with another blm's husband that it seems like more like breeding. Whatever!!!

And let me tell you it gives me some hope to hear that Megan, and Michelle and Lori, and Maddie and Maggie, and Jill and Rachel and who am I forgetting are all on their way to actually holding their rainbow babies in their arms. By the way I believe that all of you are having girls just to challenge my ability to keep from having jealousy issues. I'm excited for all of you although if I'm honest I do feel a slight bit of panic and anxiety over hearing these announcements especially so close together. You all are in my prayers constantly. And thank you for paving the way.

The last few weeks have been a reprieve for me. I feel like I have had some healing, what Michelle wrote reminded me some of what I learned after we got Gracie's diagnosis and I had to use the mantra "God has my new normal," just to get my self out of the house. Also remembering that I won't be who I'm meant to be if I don't go through this. And I loved what Michelle said:

I marvel at God's decision to mold me into the mother of a heavenly child.
A hard calling, yet a deep calling.
A painful calling, yet a blessed calling.
A lonely calling, yet a comforting calling.
A sad calling, yet a joyful calling.
A painful calling, yet a healing calling.

Now I feel crazy because, after reading that earlier this week I felt like I've been healed a little and moved toward acceptance that God really did know what He was doing. I think I was focused on the deep, blessed, comforting, joyful and healing part of the calling. Maybe it's my hormones stirring this up but today I've had tons of flashbacks. The last few weeks I was maybe having a little denial spell because I was feeling ok with what happened. Now today I keep flashing back to when I was in labor and pushing her out and then looking over at my husband sitting in the corner trying not to pass out with a look of horror on his face. At that time I was in so much shock I don't think I was fully grasping everything. And I keep going through these cycles where I'm feel like I'm doing ok and then it hits me again the flashback start up and then I realize how appalling it is that I gave birth to my little girl who was dead. Are these cycles ever going to just finally stop on the acceptance button? I know that its normal to feel denial, depression, anger and acceptance. I just wonder if you ever just stop at acceptance or if it just keeps cycling through all of them the rest of your life.

When I think of this cycle I also think of the cycle that Jesus went through for us: Suffer, Die then Rise. I want to stay on the Rise and quit the suffering and dying. Who doesn't!! When a flower dies it leaves a seed in the soil that if cultivated will grow into another flower. So without the suffering and dying there is no rising so I guess without the cycle there is no rising. And I'm trying to remember the quote, can't find the book right now but it's so well put about the cycle a flower goes through actually dying before it's seed falls to the ground and shoots up again and grows into a flower. It's from Elisa.beth Ell.iot's book, "A Very Present Help." Is the suffering and dying worth the rising? I hope so. The other day I thought it was but today I'm not so sure.