Megan sent me some poems to me to put in a care package I'm putting together.
I love this one:
Don't Mourn For Me
Mother, please don't mourn for me; I'm still here, though you don't see. I'm right by your side each night and day and within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I'm always near I'm everything you feel, see or hear. My spirit is free, but I'll never depart as long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I'll never wander out of your sight-- I'm the brightest star on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach-- I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.
I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around, And the pure white snow that blankets the ground. I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond-- The clear cool water in a quiet pond.
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring; The first warm raindrop that April will bring. I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine, And you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there's no one to love you, You can talk to me through the Lord above you. I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees, And you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep. I'm the smile you see on baby's face. Just look for me, Mommy, I'm everyplace !
These are the blankets I made for a mamma who's baby has been diagnosed with anencephalopathy and is due in April. If you think of it please pray for her. Her name is Katie. They haven't named the baby yet.
Tonight I'm remembering that I do have a reason to be depressed and I do have a reason to cry and I don't have to push it down. We had our hopes up so high after losing Gracie that this would be it and Snowflake would come home with us. And Gavin would have a living brother or sister to play with and love with us. My hope is crushed. Tonight I'm so sad and I'm letting the tears roll while I can.
Here's what was posted at Baby Loss Mommas facebook page and it fits so well for me tonight:
"If you have ever tried to push a bad feeling or thought away, you probably noticed that it didn’t work at all or that the thoughts and feelings came back pretty quickly. Trying to push something out of our minds is a little like trying to push a beach ball under water: it takes a lot of work to keep it down, and the minute you let it go.....it pops right back up again."~Anxiety BC~
I have been sleeping a lot so far this year. But I have been pushing myself to stay busy, and keep myself from sinking into a pit. I try to keep myself going for my son. I don't want him to remember his childhood and think that he had a sad mom.
I've been taking some time to sew. I'm making 2 matching blankets for a mom who is due in April and her baby has been given the diagnosis anencephalopathy and is not expected to live. Her grandmother is a family friend of ours. I've been trying to keep up the daily routine and put on a good face. I've gotten really good at putting on a good face. Eventually though the hurt and sadness catches up.
Today I completed some online coarses that I've been needing to get done and it feels good to get this accomplished. The whole time I just wanted to sleep though. I have noticed that my feelings have been pretty dull and numb for several days until tonight.
I have really really been enjoying taking my son to swimming lessons. I love watching him be excited about swimming and taking on the task without fear. I hate that every mom that is sitting watching their 3 year old swim is pregnant and I'm sitting there thinking I should be too. And I'm really not kidding you. Seriously, he is one of 3 kids in his class and both moms are pregnant. His first class was 2 nights after we lost Snowflake and there was no where to look without seeing pregnant moms.
After I lost Gracie a family friend of ours who is also a baby loss mom and rainbow loss mom told me that the bad days make the good days seem even better. So I guess its time for the bad days but it will help the good days seem so much better.
My friend Michelle frequently ends her posts with prayer asking God to go deeper to heal her hurt. Tonight I'm praying for a deeper healing too, to the only One who can go deeper.
I just stopped in and read an old post at Mattie's blog. And so excited that they have decided to adopt!!!
Anyway, I love the verse and this translation that she posted:
"I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!" The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him."
Maybe having it here will help me remember it and maybe even memorize it.
For the last year I have spent a lot of time, energy, bitterness and anger on why did God allow us to lose our daughter and why didn't he miraculously save her. I have spent a lot of energy feeling sorry for myself and have felt very jealous of people who have never seen this pain. And it has gotten me no where. I think I'm letting why go. Mainly because it's such a dead end with no real answers. I used to believe that one day we would find out why God allowed Gracie to die and once I found out it would all make since and I'd be able to accept it.
I just read Michelle's post about living with a hole in your heart and deciding to live "holeheartedly" misspelling intended. It was very inspiring and I don't want to loose sight of it. So I figure writing about it here will give me the reminder when I need it. I may not find out why this side of heaven but I don't have to let not knowing why keep me from allowing God to do what he has planned for me today.
What do I really deserve?? The King and Creator of everything loves me and made a way sacrificing his son so that I may be forgiven and given eternal life. My own son has been given the same chance and he has accepted it as well. My two babies have been sent directly to the most beautiful place where there is no sadness, suffering or tears. Do I deserve these things?? No I don't and I am grateful.
It gives me peace to think that I should not demand another living baby and be surprised by joy if and when it does happen.
I'm suprised that I have been able to sleep well, mostly this week. The first night though after we saw my doctor Monday, I had anxious sleep where my doctor kept saying over and over again, "particles of conception."
I'm fearing our visit at Laiman's mom and dad's today. My sister in law will be there and she is due any minute. I hoping she will go into labor today and won't be able to come over. The whole family has been awkward the entire time since we lost Gracie. No one will mention Gracie's name or talk about her. My sister in law wants to know what my labor was like with Gavin but deliberating asks to only here about what Gavin's labor was like, knowing full well because I have told her that I was in labor and gave birth to Gracie. I guess that's too different though cuz she was dead.
I'm just waiting for the awkward silence and possible hurtful comments when we get there but hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised.
I'm wondering if Laiman is at his breaking point. After we had Gracie he was very supportive of me and my grief but didn't appear to have much grief outwardly. But this week he has been very open with his feelings. We have both had a lot of difficutly concentrating. I discovered that I had left Gavin's medicine in the kitchen cubboard in a bowl earlier in the week. And when Laiman was putting our kitties in their beds, he caught himself actually trying to put Chleo in the refrigerator. I've seen him cry this week more than I've ever seen him cry. And he keeps saying that he hasn't had enough time to recover. He started work on Tuesday.
I'm trying to not get anxious about what's wrong with my body. I want answers and it's gonna be a while to arrive at any. We still have to wait at least 2 weeks for the karityping. Once we get those results we want to meet with a new fertility specialist about whether low progesterone will likely be a problem for me in subsequent pregnancy. And I'd also like to know the real definition of low progesterone, it seems that there is a lot of different opinions on this. We are pretty sure I have endometriosis and worry that it could cause infertility besides all the pain it causes. I'd like to have laperscopy but trying to decide the best timing for this.
After we had Gracie, Laiman wanted to wait 6 months to ttc again. I was ready right away and waiting 6 months was tortureous. Laiman suprised me this week when he said "you want to get pregnant as soon as we can again don't you?" And said that he wants to too. I'm scared to death. Though I'm starting to believe that doctors can only really tell you your baby is going to die rarely can do anything about it.
At 26 1/2 weeks pregnant I noticed that our baby Gracie wasn't kicking. Her heart wasn't beating anymore and she went on to be with Jesus in heaven. She came December 10, 2009, already in heaven. Then January 2, 2011, at 10 weeks, we lost Snowflake to a miscarriage.