pushing the beach ball down

Tonight I'm remembering that I do have a reason to be depressed and I do have a reason to cry and I don't have to push it down. We had our hopes up so high after losing Gracie that this would be it and Snowflake would come home with us. And Gavin would have a living brother or sister to play with and love with us. My hope is crushed. Tonight I'm so sad and I'm letting the tears roll while I can.

Here's what was posted at Baby Loss Mommas facebook page and it fits so well for me tonight:

"If you have ever tried to push a bad feeling or thought away, you probably noticed that it didn’t work at all or that the thoughts and feelings came back pretty quickly. Trying to push something out of our minds is a little like trying to push a beach ball under water: it takes a lot of work to keep it down, and the minute you let it go.....it pops right back up again."~Anxiety BC~

I have been sleeping a lot so far this year. But I have been pushing myself to stay busy, and keep myself from sinking into a pit. I try to keep myself going for my son. I don't want him to remember his childhood and think that he had a sad mom.

I've been taking some time to sew. I'm making 2 matching blankets for a mom who is due in April and her baby has been given the diagnosis anencephalopathy and is not expected to live. Her grandmother is a family friend of ours. I've been trying to keep up the daily routine and put on a good face. I've gotten really good at putting on a good face. Eventually though the hurt and sadness catches up.

Today I completed some online coarses that I've been needing to get done and it feels good to get this accomplished. The whole time I just wanted to sleep though. I have noticed that my feelings have been pretty dull and numb for several days until tonight.

I have really really been enjoying taking my son to swimming lessons. I love watching him be excited about swimming and taking on the task without fear. I hate that every mom that is sitting watching their 3 year old swim is pregnant and I'm sitting there thinking I should be too. And I'm really not kidding you. Seriously, he is one of 3 kids in his class and both moms are pregnant. His first class was 2 nights after we lost Snowflake and there was no where to look without seeing pregnant moms.

After I lost Gracie a family friend of ours who is also a baby loss mom and rainbow loss mom told me that the bad days make the good days seem even better. So I guess its time for the bad days but it will help the good days seem so much better.

My friend Michelle frequently ends her posts with prayer asking God to go deeper to heal her hurt. Tonight I'm praying for a deeper healing too, to the only One who can go deeper.