Monday, January 3, 2011

Snowflake has gone to be with our Heavenly Father and sister

My has it been a huge rollercoaster ride these last few weeks. Last night we lost Snowflake at exactly 10 weeks. Our hearts are completely broken. But this time we feel completely supported and loved and it makes all the difference.

The best part of the pregnancy was the excitement I felt the first few days after we learned I was pregnant. It was such a magical moment, our first snow of the year. Gavin was so excited, Christmas was coming. And then the fertility doctor I had scheduled with called. We'll call him Dr S (my best friend calls him Dr df, if that gives you any idea lol.). He said that he could see me the first few weeks of pregnancy to provide "reassurance." Despite Laiman saying that he'd rather not but go ahead if I wanted to. Well I couldn't turn down being given some "reassurance.". I don't know how he defines reassurance but it ended up being completely opposite. He checked my Hcg and progesterone at 4 1/2 weeks and then again at 6 weeks. Hcg went from 800ish to 4000ish and progesterone went from 21 down to 12. So Dr S told us to expect a miscarriage and started telling us how he can get us pregnant next time and how to get things working right. He didn't talk me into a DNC but I felt like he would have if we would have been open. He started me on progesterone and wanted to recheck Hcg after another week. I begged him for an ultrasound and he finally obliged but told me not to let it reassure me. Thankfully Snowflake looked great as far as he could tell this early. But I thought I was paying Dr S for reassurance not to be scared to death from ambiguous results. Dr S told me "there will be no need for anymore ultrasounds, the genectic makeup of this baby has already been determined." I will never have Hcg levels checked to reassure me ever again.

Thank God for all the support and reassurance I received from the Rainbow Room on facebook. And all the prayers and support and messages I have received from all of you during this time. I think I would have gone insane without all of you. And you all encouraged me to flee Dr. S and that's just what I did.

So I called my local doctor for a second opinion and she ordered another ultrasound. At 7 weeks 4 days Snowflake measured 6 weeks and 1 day and had a HR of 86. I was so thrilled snowflake had a HR but was so scared because I had read that normal was 90-110. My doctor explained that when you catch them when their heart is first starting up it's normal to start out slow and then speed up. And I had read that babies grow at different rates and then speed up so we also probably caught the ultrasound just before a big growth spurt.

I had many sleepless nights and worries and sobbing spells and I know if I had listened to Laiman and skipped seeing Dr S I would have enjoyed my time with Snowflake much more and wish I would have listened to him. If nothing else this whole experience makes me want to listen and respect Laiman as my protector.

I started a new mantra and told myself that snowflake would be strong and defy all odds and started to settle down and believe that everything would be alright. We prayed almost nightly together that Snowflake we be strong and healthy and begged God that we'd get to keep Snowflake.

Monday night we got home from my mom and dads and I noticed the heart palpitations I had when I was pregnant with Gracie were back. I wasn't worried though because everything checked out fine when they ran tests after those heart palpitations with Gracie. My doctor just said the hormones can make some people feel their PVCs more. This time it actually made me have some reassurance that my hormones were probably surging.

Tuesday I still had the heart palpitations and was also suprised to feel some pokes. I told Laiman that it was really early, only nine weeks but I thought I was feeling pokes.

Thursday I had a huge burst of energy and cleaned off the office desk which was needing it for months. I started spotting in the afternoon. After talking with the doctors office, the nurse said spotting can be very normal in the first trimester. Friday it wasn't just spotting it was bleeding but no cramping. I was scared to death but thought it was OK. I thought that it was probably the progesterone irritating my cervix. I called the doctors office and they said progesterone would not irritate my cervix and offered an ultrasound. I know this sounds crazy but i turned the ultrasound down because if it was bad news i didnt want to hear it on New Years eve. They scheduled it for Monday morning. But then Sunday I was losing hope, still bleeding and even a little cramping.

I have had some really special moments reading to my son at night these last few weeks. He got a new children's story Bible for Christmas and last week he asked if he could pray and ask Jesus into his heart. Then last night he asked to read the story of Noah and the Ark and it said that Noah was very close with God. Gavin said, "like me because I have Jesus in my heart too." I'm so thankful for that moment.

And the next thing I did was come down stairs and went to the bathroom, no pain, nothing but Snowflake came out. I could see Snowflakes head, even snowflakes tiny eyes, and the placenta, and I'm not sure but think I even saw an umbilical cord. I had lost hope earlier in the day so it didn't even surprise me. I swooped Snowflake up and put the tiny body in a ziplock bag and showed my husband. He was still so hopeful that everything was gonna be alright that he wasn't gonna believe it. But I knew and it was not OK with me and the tears started pouring. I sent a text to my best friend and she called me back. We cried together on the phone, it was one year ago New Years Eve that her daughter Grace was given a terminal diagnosis.

We headed over to the ultrasound this morning. I didn't need the ultrasound to confirm my worst fears. I already knew. My poor husband still had hope and told me, "we don't know for sure." He has been a pillar of strength and positivity through this whole thing.

I sat there held Snowflake in a paper sack on my lap. We waited what seemed like forever in the "special waiting room," that shielded you from seeing anyone pregnant and any babies. You know you're in trouble when you have to go to that room. As we waited I held back the tears as long as I could until they just started seeping out. It started sinking in that I'd never get to really hold Snowflake on my lap. Snowflake wouldn't be here with us to feel the summer heat like we had planned.

The ultrasound tech, a fourth year student, extremely nervous started telling me that she would not be able to give any results and it might take until the morning for the radiologist to get us the results. I told her I'm not leaving until I have the results. The last ultrasound I had took 4 days before they called with the results. She ignored me and continued on nervously. The screen was turned away so I couldn't see anything. Laiman held my hand as he leaned around to try and see whatever he could. My legs were shaking.

The supervisor came in to check things over. She was the tech at my last ultrasound. It took at least 45 minutes. I could tell they were taking measurements but it was the cyst on my left ovary. The supervisor left and came back in and said Dr E would like you to come back to her office after the ultrasound. I started sobbing. The tech said I need you to be still for this video. O ok you lose 2 babies and be still and don't sob!! I would have said it but I gave her a break since she was a student.

We headed over to Dr E's. Got the same room that Gracie's heart was still. It actually didn't bother me too much. I've had that room so many times that it felt like home sadly. My favorite nurse came in to take my blood pressure and give me a big hug. My blood pressure was 160/100, not suprising but it's usually really low.

She somehow knew I already knew. I think this is when it finally hit Laiman cuz the tears started flowing for both of us. Dr E came in with a hug for me. Dads don't ever get hugs:(.

Dr. E was very kind in her delivery of confirming our worst fears. No answers though, I didn't expect her to know why. She's running karityping on Snowflake, and calling our Perinatologist to check if there is any other testing we should do. It's a little frightening to think that we might have the translocation that could cause t18 in 1:4 pregnancies because we thought that Gracie's amniocentesis ruled that out. Dr E was going to confirm the answer to this question with the perinatologist because she wasn't sure. We were told that we only had a 1% greater chance of having another baby with t18 after Gracie was diagnosed.

Dr. E checking my Hcg to make sure it comes down to zero. She'll send the referral for laparscope excision of endometeriosis but she doesn't think endo caused the miscarriage but that it may end up causing infertility. We're gonna try and give it a shot without the surgery when were ready which hopefully won't be long since I'm 38. Of coarse we will be waiting for the results of the kerotyping first, it should 2 weeks or more. I had no idea that it would take this long to have our next living child and that I'd be 38 trying a 3rd time.

We waited the nurse to come in so that I could put Snowflake in the container to send to the lab. It took her forever, a different nurse I had never met. She was extremely nervous, was dropping things, she wasn't sure what size container she'd need, the small one or the bigger one. She didnt know if there was an umbilical cord yet at this stage. I told her that I thought there was but wasn't for sure. She said that they'd send the cord to the local lab. I could tell she probably had never done this. She handed me the cup and left the room. I transferred Snowflake to the container. And started sobbing. She came back in gave me a half arm hug and said I'm so sorry, this whole office was so sad to hear the news. And said we so wanted this baby to make it. I have to admit that I felt like an alien when I got to the office. Like everyone was staring and thinking...... that's her..... she lost another baby.

My heart was breaking most when I thought about telling my 3 1/2 year old son. He's already a baby loss brother he should not have to go through this again. It's so confusing for him. He wants a living baby sister so bad. He stares at babies at the store and tries to entertain them. We weren't going to tell him about Snowflake until we knew everything was ok but he found out at a family gathering. And he was so excited. He had lots of questions though and kept wondering if Gracie was back in my tummy. He was just starting to understand that it was Snowflake a new baby. We told him this afternoon that Snowflake is with Gracie in heaven. I don't think he gets it though. I know he will follow-up with questions usually at bedtime. After we lost Gracie he asked if we could get another baby in my tummy.

I don't know why I feel the need to write all this out but it seems like it helps to tell it. And I'm gonna try to do what feels right for now.

Thank you all so much for the name photos, love, support and prayers. I really feel so supported through this loss which is so much different then after losing Gracie. It's pretty horrific but much less so with all of you.


  1. oh monica, i am so sorry! i'm tearing up just reading this post. how wonderful that you got to experience your son accept Christ into his life and how sad that you are trying to explain to him that he has two sisters in heaven! hugs!

  2. Monica, when I heard the news, my heart just fell for you. I am so sorry. You have a lot of people here to support you, especially me. Check your e-mail if you haven't already, I sent you some photos for Snowflake. Lots and lots of hugs to you... ((((((((HUGS)))))))))

  3. ((((((hugs)))))) I am absolutely heartbroken about snowflake with you right now...its not fair and I feel for your husband and son just the same. No one should go through this once,let alone twice. I sent some pics through megan for you cause I didnt know if you would be checking your emails or not (even though i didnt know it i was gonna ask maggie)....Im praying for your peace through out this next journey..Thank you for letting me know snowflake, and sharing the story with me. I dont know what else to say because words are so meaningless right now...just sending you LOTS of love...when I see a snowflake I will always think of you and your family <3 xoxo

    The rainbow room sends lots of love

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my rainbow as well a month ago, my heart goes out to you and your family.

  5. Not right. Not fair. I am so very sad for you, Laiman and Gavin. It sounds like you have 2 very caring men in your life which is absolutely comforting to know.

    I am sad that we have met under the saddest circumstances possible but glad that I can be here to support you in any way you wish.

    You are all in my thoughts.
    <3 Snowflake <3


  6. I am just in tears right now reading this. I am so, so sorry for your loss of snowflake. It is so not fair and it just breaks my heart. I am thinking of you and holding you close to my heart.


  7. Oh no :( I'm so sorry for the loss of Snowflake. My heart breaks for you. I wish that it didn't turn out this way. Too much heartache and it isn't fair.

  8. devastated with you, monica. remembering precious snowflake. xo

  9. I am just so sorry =***( Thank you so much for sharing your story and life with me. It means so much! I keep you and your family in my prayers and I have all the hope in the world for you. Sending you my love!!!