Friday, June 25, 2010

Gallbladder is fine

So thank goodness, my gallbladder is not bad enough to need surgery and we can keep ttc!! Wooohoo!!

I don't really have much to write but I thought I would at least share. I was really worried that if it was a gallbladder issue that if I get pregnant it would get worse. And I really don't want to be faced with a need for surgery while pregnant like you can probably imagine. So thankfully the surgeon reassured me that since I don't have gallstones that pregnancy will not make it worse. I do have biliary dyskensia but my symptoms aren't bad enough to warrant surgery at this point and the level was right on the edge of normal.

I'm relived. And did I say that we can keep ttc!! Woohoo!! PTL!!

Saturday, June 12, 2010


I realized this morning that God is in control. Dah!! Something that I should never doubt but sometimes doubts creep in and God would like to refine those doubts into a trust as pure as gold.

People say the darndest things. Not long after we lost Gracie, my aunt came for a visit. She told me next time don't try so hard to conceive. As if it was our fault for trying hard to conceive her? Now in my head I knew that was so not true. And it made me really mad that she said it. But I believe Santan was trying to place seeds of doubt that have lingered.

When you know just what it takes to create a life, egg + sperm. And you track your cycle and know exactly the day you ovulate, because you get confirmation from the ovulation predictor kit. And you know just the right dance to get the sperm to the egg. You do start to feel empowered with the idea that you're in control of the moment. And you start to believe that you made it happen. And that plus the seeds of doubt that Satan tried to place believing that I'm in control of when life is created are just not a true belief.

If I were to continue down the track with this belief and conceive then I can imagine believing that I have a lot to do with whether the baby lives or dies. I believe that God sees this flawed belief in me and wants to refine it into trust.

So now I'm comforted by the fact that I'm about to ovulate in 2 days but I'll be having a test to see if I'll be getting my gallbladder removed so ttc is out of the question for this month. I'm not in control and this is good. God is showing me that he needs me to fully trust that he's the one who decides when a life is created. It has nothing to do with what I decide. He cares enough about me to make sure I'm ready to trust Him. I'm sure I will need to build the foundation of trust, especially if I conceive in His time but also for many other challenges I'll be facing in life.

God is in control and I give Him the glory. He knows me and knows just what I need way better than I do.

1 Peter 1:7
"These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Friday, June 11, 2010

TTC set back

So today I'm day 11 in my cycle. Sick as a dog. And no I don't think I'm pregnant, it would have had to happen at day 7 which just isn't very likely since I usually ovulate on day 14 or 15. My doctor suspects gallbladder issues which I have been avoiding because I didn't want to have a surgery set back our plans ttc. However if I need to have it removed it's better to take care of this before I get pregnant. No need to make it any more stressful that it will already be. Day 14 and 15 is coming up and I don't want to miss the window but they're still running test to see what's wrong with me and I'm thinking this months ttc may be messed up espeically if I don't quit throwing up and feeling nauseated.

I don't want to wait another month. It took my husband 6 months to feel ready to try again so we've only tried one month so far but it feels like we've been trying for years cuz I can't wait to get pregnant!!!

OK so I'm thinking there must be a reason for this. God's timing is not my timing. I'm trusting that God's plan is better. Maybe God knows that it would be really hard to conceive the very same month that we conceived Gracie last year. I don't wanna wait but maybe we have to.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Alone and TTC

I'm feeling so alone. Except that I feel less alone knowing that Ke.lly also has a mustache that she is going to have to deal with.

I'm not pregnant and my closest friend is pregnant. And almost everyone I think of is pregnant right now. I didn't think it would bother me so bad until the a/f came last night and now I feel so alone and left behind.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I can now remove the hair on my upper lip. Highlight my hair. Weed and feed the yard. And finish painting the kitchen. Clean the litter box.......ok maybe not so much but at least it will get done when I want it to be done the next couple of weeks until OV happens again. And drink beer.

And also I'm sorta scared to death to be pregnant. I'm seriously worried about the anxiety that will likely come with being pregnant again. The fear and scare of every pain, drip, and symptom that will come and scare me to death that my baby has died. The 2ww of our first time ttc in May was bad enough, scared to death of doing anything that would do harm to the baby. Scared to death of every move I made might come back to haunt me even if it wasn't anything that I actually did that would cause another loss but scared that anything I do would haunt me later as something that could have caused a loss. And I wasn't even pregnant just the 2ww where I could have been pregnant. What's it going to be like once I'm actually pregnant? I should add an "if." and what's it going to be like "if" I never do get pregnant and "if" Gavin never has a living sibling to play with. I know I have to let the peace that paseth understanding guard my heart and mind. Praying might be a good idea at this point.