Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Alone and TTC

I'm feeling so alone. Except that I feel less alone knowing that Ke.lly also has a mustache that she is going to have to deal with.

I'm not pregnant and my closest friend is pregnant. And almost everyone I think of is pregnant right now. I didn't think it would bother me so bad until the a/f came last night and now I feel so alone and left behind.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I can now remove the hair on my upper lip. Highlight my hair. Weed and feed the yard. And finish painting the kitchen. Clean the litter box.......ok maybe not so much but at least it will get done when I want it to be done the next couple of weeks until OV happens again. And drink beer.

And also I'm sorta scared to death to be pregnant. I'm seriously worried about the anxiety that will likely come with being pregnant again. The fear and scare of every pain, drip, and symptom that will come and scare me to death that my baby has died. The 2ww of our first time ttc in May was bad enough, scared to death of doing anything that would do harm to the baby. Scared to death of every move I made might come back to haunt me even if it wasn't anything that I actually did that would cause another loss but scared that anything I do would haunt me later as something that could have caused a loss. And I wasn't even pregnant just the 2ww where I could have been pregnant. What's it going to be like once I'm actually pregnant? I should add an "if." and what's it going to be like "if" I never do get pregnant and "if" Gavin never has a living sibling to play with. I know I have to let the peace that paseth understanding guard my heart and mind. Praying might be a good idea at this point.


  1. Oh Monica, I could have written this post myself! I'm right there with you, feeling left behind, uncertain, everything. And it does strangely make me feel better to be able to do all those things you can't do when you're pregnant...well, except do the litter! :) My husband is STILL doing that for me! What a guy! Hugs Monica. XO

  2. *HUGE HUGS* I'm so so so so sorry you are feeling alone. I wish you didn't feel that way! I wish I coud fix it. Please please don't say IF. I know you are destined to have another baby. I feel it in my heart. I just know you are meant to have another. You are such an inspiration as a mother. The fears of a new pregnancy are very very real as you know. I feel like a big ball of stress all the time and I feel like I run off to the dr any time I feel just a little weird. I'm constantly praying for you and your beautiful fam. I <3 you so much. Please please know that I'm here for you to talk to...ALWAYS, no matter what.

  3. AND PS: the word verification thing it just made me type in was empowrd... almost like empowered. Weird.

  4. Boy do I relate to this! It seems like everywhere I look there are women announcing that they're preggers. It sucks. I get the whole anxiety thing too. Its hard not to be anxious about all of it after what we've been through. I just keep telling myself one day and time and pray about it. I always feel better when I've handed it over to him. *HUGS*

  5. It can make you feel pretty down when it seems like everyone is pregnant around you and you aren't. I felt like I would never get pregnant. It took 9 months for us for it to finally happen. And this pregnancy is def more fearful. I worry a little more about something going wrong.

  6. Kelly Rippa has a mustache? I don't feel so alone anymore either except I have a beard growing too. ;)

    All kidding aside, I know how hard it is to see everyone around you pregnant after losing a baby. It is one of the loneliest feelings there are. Many of us have felt the same way.

    After Darcy died, I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to try again. I didn't want to leave my pregnancy days on a bad note but I didn't want to risk another baby. Well, we didn't have to make the decision because God made it for us. We did have another baby after Darcy. It didn't take the pain away because I still weep for my precious baby girl but my son placed a lot of joy back in my heart.

    Writing helped my heart cope with everything. It is a good thing. We are here for you and will be here to listen and support you any way we can.