Megan sent me some poems to me to put in a care package I'm putting together.
I love this one:
Don't Mourn For Me
Mother, please don't mourn for me; I'm still here, though you don't see. I'm right by your side each night and day and within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I'm always near I'm everything you feel, see or hear. My spirit is free, but I'll never depart as long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I'll never wander out of your sight-- I'm the brightest star on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach-- I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.
I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around, And the pure white snow that blankets the ground. I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond-- The clear cool water in a quiet pond.
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring; The first warm raindrop that April will bring. I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine, And you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there's no one to love you, You can talk to me through the Lord above you. I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees, And you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep. I'm the smile you see on baby's face. Just look for me, Mommy, I'm everyplace !
These are the blankets I made for a mamma who's baby has been diagnosed with anencephalopathy and is due in April. If you think of it please pray for her. Her name is Katie. They haven't named the baby yet.
Tonight I'm remembering that I do have a reason to be depressed and I do have a reason to cry and I don't have to push it down. We had our hopes up so high after losing Gracie that this would be it and Snowflake would come home with us. And Gavin would have a living brother or sister to play with and love with us. My hope is crushed. Tonight I'm so sad and I'm letting the tears roll while I can.
Here's what was posted at Baby Loss Mommas facebook page and it fits so well for me tonight:
"If you have ever tried to push a bad feeling or thought away, you probably noticed that it didn’t work at all or that the thoughts and feelings came back pretty quickly. Trying to push something out of our minds is a little like trying to push a beach ball under water: it takes a lot of work to keep it down, and the minute you let it go.....it pops right back up again."~Anxiety BC~
I have been sleeping a lot so far this year. But I have been pushing myself to stay busy, and keep myself from sinking into a pit. I try to keep myself going for my son. I don't want him to remember his childhood and think that he had a sad mom.
I've been taking some time to sew. I'm making 2 matching blankets for a mom who is due in April and her baby has been given the diagnosis anencephalopathy and is not expected to live. Her grandmother is a family friend of ours. I've been trying to keep up the daily routine and put on a good face. I've gotten really good at putting on a good face. Eventually though the hurt and sadness catches up.
Today I completed some online coarses that I've been needing to get done and it feels good to get this accomplished. The whole time I just wanted to sleep though. I have noticed that my feelings have been pretty dull and numb for several days until tonight.
I have really really been enjoying taking my son to swimming lessons. I love watching him be excited about swimming and taking on the task without fear. I hate that every mom that is sitting watching their 3 year old swim is pregnant and I'm sitting there thinking I should be too. And I'm really not kidding you. Seriously, he is one of 3 kids in his class and both moms are pregnant. His first class was 2 nights after we lost Snowflake and there was no where to look without seeing pregnant moms.
After I lost Gracie a family friend of ours who is also a baby loss mom and rainbow loss mom told me that the bad days make the good days seem even better. So I guess its time for the bad days but it will help the good days seem so much better.
My friend Michelle frequently ends her posts with prayer asking God to go deeper to heal her hurt. Tonight I'm praying for a deeper healing too, to the only One who can go deeper.
I just stopped in and read an old post at Mattie's blog. And so excited that they have decided to adopt!!!
Anyway, I love the verse and this translation that she posted:
"I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!" The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him."
Maybe having it here will help me remember it and maybe even memorize it.
For the last year I have spent a lot of time, energy, bitterness and anger on why did God allow us to lose our daughter and why didn't he miraculously save her. I have spent a lot of energy feeling sorry for myself and have felt very jealous of people who have never seen this pain. And it has gotten me no where. I think I'm letting why go. Mainly because it's such a dead end with no real answers. I used to believe that one day we would find out why God allowed Gracie to die and once I found out it would all make since and I'd be able to accept it.
I just read Michelle's post about living with a hole in your heart and deciding to live "holeheartedly" misspelling intended. It was very inspiring and I don't want to loose sight of it. So I figure writing about it here will give me the reminder when I need it. I may not find out why this side of heaven but I don't have to let not knowing why keep me from allowing God to do what he has planned for me today.
What do I really deserve?? The King and Creator of everything loves me and made a way sacrificing his son so that I may be forgiven and given eternal life. My own son has been given the same chance and he has accepted it as well. My two babies have been sent directly to the most beautiful place where there is no sadness, suffering or tears. Do I deserve these things?? No I don't and I am grateful.
It gives me peace to think that I should not demand another living baby and be surprised by joy if and when it does happen.
I'm suprised that I have been able to sleep well, mostly this week. The first night though after we saw my doctor Monday, I had anxious sleep where my doctor kept saying over and over again, "particles of conception."
I'm fearing our visit at Laiman's mom and dad's today. My sister in law will be there and she is due any minute. I hoping she will go into labor today and won't be able to come over. The whole family has been awkward the entire time since we lost Gracie. No one will mention Gracie's name or talk about her. My sister in law wants to know what my labor was like with Gavin but deliberating asks to only here about what Gavin's labor was like, knowing full well because I have told her that I was in labor and gave birth to Gracie. I guess that's too different though cuz she was dead.
I'm just waiting for the awkward silence and possible hurtful comments when we get there but hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised.
I'm wondering if Laiman is at his breaking point. After we had Gracie he was very supportive of me and my grief but didn't appear to have much grief outwardly. But this week he has been very open with his feelings. We have both had a lot of difficutly concentrating. I discovered that I had left Gavin's medicine in the kitchen cubboard in a bowl earlier in the week. And when Laiman was putting our kitties in their beds, he caught himself actually trying to put Chleo in the refrigerator. I've seen him cry this week more than I've ever seen him cry. And he keeps saying that he hasn't had enough time to recover. He started work on Tuesday.
I'm trying to not get anxious about what's wrong with my body. I want answers and it's gonna be a while to arrive at any. We still have to wait at least 2 weeks for the karityping. Once we get those results we want to meet with a new fertility specialist about whether low progesterone will likely be a problem for me in subsequent pregnancy. And I'd also like to know the real definition of low progesterone, it seems that there is a lot of different opinions on this. We are pretty sure I have endometriosis and worry that it could cause infertility besides all the pain it causes. I'd like to have laperscopy but trying to decide the best timing for this.
After we had Gracie, Laiman wanted to wait 6 months to ttc again. I was ready right away and waiting 6 months was tortureous. Laiman suprised me this week when he said "you want to get pregnant as soon as we can again don't you?" And said that he wants to too. I'm scared to death. Though I'm starting to believe that doctors can only really tell you your baby is going to die rarely can do anything about it.
My has it been a huge rollercoaster ride these last few weeks. Last night we lost Snowflake at exactly 10 weeks. Our hearts are completely broken. But this time we feel completely supported and loved and it makes all the difference.
The best part of the pregnancy was the excitement I felt the first few days after we learned I was pregnant. It was such a magical moment, our first snow of the year. Gavin was so excited, Christmas was coming. And then the fertility doctor I had scheduled with called. We'll call him Dr S (my best friend calls him Dr df, if that gives you any idea lol.). He said that he could see me the first few weeks of pregnancy to provide "reassurance." Despite Laiman saying that he'd rather not but go ahead if I wanted to. Well I couldn't turn down being given some "reassurance.". I don't know how he defines reassurance but it ended up being completely opposite. He checked my Hcg and progesterone at 4 1/2 weeks and then again at 6 weeks. Hcg went from 800ish to 4000ish and progesterone went from 21 down to 12. So Dr S told us to expect a miscarriage and started telling us how he can get us pregnant next time and how to get things working right. He didn't talk me into a DNC but I felt like he would have if we would have been open. He started me on progesterone and wanted to recheck Hcg after another week. I begged him for an ultrasound and he finally obliged but told me not to let it reassure me. Thankfully Snowflake looked great as far as he could tell this early. But I thought I was paying Dr S for reassurance not to be scared to death from ambiguous results. Dr S told me "there will be no need for anymore ultrasounds, the genectic makeup of this baby has already been determined." I will never have Hcg levels checked to reassure me ever again.
Thank God for all the support and reassurance I received from the Rainbow Room on facebook. And all the prayers and support and messages I have received from all of you during this time. I think I would have gone insane without all of you. And you all encouraged me to flee Dr. S and that's just what I did.
So I called my local doctor for a second opinion and she ordered another ultrasound. At 7 weeks 4 days Snowflake measured 6 weeks and 1 day and had a HR of 86. I was so thrilled snowflake had a HR but was so scared because I had read that normal was 90-110. My doctor explained that when you catch them when their heart is first starting up it's normal to start out slow and then speed up. And I had read that babies grow at different rates and then speed up so we also probably caught the ultrasound just before a big growth spurt.
I had many sleepless nights and worries and sobbing spells and I know if I had listened to Laiman and skipped seeing Dr S I would have enjoyed my time with Snowflake much more and wish I would have listened to him. If nothing else this whole experience makes me want to listen and respect Laiman as my protector.
I started a new mantra and told myself that snowflake would be strong and defy all odds and started to settle down and believe that everything would be alright. We prayed almost nightly together that Snowflake we be strong and healthy and begged God that we'd get to keep Snowflake.
Monday night we got home from my mom and dads and I noticed the heart palpitations I had when I was pregnant with Gracie were back. I wasn't worried though because everything checked out fine when they ran tests after those heart palpitations with Gracie. My doctor just said the hormones can make some people feel their PVCs more. This time it actually made me have some reassurance that my hormones were probably surging.
Tuesday I still had the heart palpitations and was also suprised to feel some pokes. I told Laiman that it was really early, only nine weeks but I thought I was feeling pokes.
Thursday I had a huge burst of energy and cleaned off the office desk which was needing it for months. I started spotting in the afternoon. After talking with the doctors office, the nurse said spotting can be very normal in the first trimester. Friday it wasn't just spotting it was bleeding but no cramping. I was scared to death but thought it was OK. I thought that it was probably the progesterone irritating my cervix. I called the doctors office and they said progesterone would not irritate my cervix and offered an ultrasound. I know this sounds crazy but i turned the ultrasound down because if it was bad news i didnt want to hear it on New Years eve. They scheduled it for Monday morning. But then Sunday I was losing hope, still bleeding and even a little cramping.
I have had some really special moments reading to my son at night these last few weeks. He got a new children's story Bible for Christmas and last week he asked if he could pray and ask Jesus into his heart. Then last night he asked to read the story of Noah and the Ark and it said that Noah was very close with God. Gavin said, "like me because I have Jesus in my heart too." I'm so thankful for that moment.
And the next thing I did was come down stairs and went to the bathroom, no pain, nothing but Snowflake came out. I could see Snowflakes head, even snowflakes tiny eyes, and the placenta, and I'm not sure but think I even saw an umbilical cord. I had lost hope earlier in the day so it didn't even surprise me. I swooped Snowflake up and put the tiny body in a ziplock bag and showed my husband. He was still so hopeful that everything was gonna be alright that he wasn't gonna believe it. But I knew and it was not OK with me and the tears started pouring. I sent a text to my best friend and she called me back. We cried together on the phone, it was one year ago New Years Eve that her daughter Grace was given a terminal diagnosis.
We headed over to the ultrasound this morning. I didn't need the ultrasound to confirm my worst fears. I already knew. My poor husband still had hope and told me, "we don't know for sure." He has been a pillar of strength and positivity through this whole thing.
I sat there held Snowflake in a paper sack on my lap. We waited what seemed like forever in the "special waiting room," that shielded you from seeing anyone pregnant and any babies. You know you're in trouble when you have to go to that room. As we waited I held back the tears as long as I could until they just started seeping out. It started sinking in that I'd never get to really hold Snowflake on my lap. Snowflake wouldn't be here with us to feel the summer heat like we had planned.
The ultrasound tech, a fourth year student, extremely nervous started telling me that she would not be able to give any results and it might take until the morning for the radiologist to get us the results. I told her I'm not leaving until I have the results. The last ultrasound I had took 4 days before they called with the results. She ignored me and continued on nervously. The screen was turned away so I couldn't see anything. Laiman held my hand as he leaned around to try and see whatever he could. My legs were shaking.
The supervisor came in to check things over. She was the tech at my last ultrasound. It took at least 45 minutes. I could tell they were taking measurements but it was the cyst on my left ovary. The supervisor left and came back in and said Dr E would like you to come back to her office after the ultrasound. I started sobbing. The tech said I need you to be still for this video. O ok you lose 2 babies and be still and don't sob!! I would have said it but I gave her a break since she was a student.
We headed over to Dr E's. Got the same room that Gracie's heart was still. It actually didn't bother me too much. I've had that room so many times that it felt like home sadly. My favorite nurse came in to take my blood pressure and give me a big hug. My blood pressure was 160/100, not suprising but it's usually really low.
She somehow knew I already knew. I think this is when it finally hit Laimancuz the tears started flowing for both of us. Dr E came in with a hug for me. Dads don't ever get hugs:(.
Dr. E was very kind in her delivery of confirming our worst fears. No answers though, I didn't expect her to know why. She's running karityping on Snowflake, and calling our Perinatologist to check if there is any other testing we should do. It's a little frightening to think that we might have the translocation that could cause t18 in 1:4 pregnancies because we thought that Gracie's amniocentesis ruled that out. Dr E was going to confirm the answer to this question with the perinatologist because she wasn't sure. We were told that we only had a 1% greater chance of having another baby with t18 after Gracie was diagnosed.
Dr. E checking my Hcg to make sure it comes down to zero. She'll send the referral for laparscope excision of endometeriosis but she doesn't think endo caused the miscarriage but that it may end up causing infertility. We're gonna try and give it a shot without the surgery when were ready which hopefully won't be long since I'm 38. Of coarse we will be waiting for the results of the kerotyping first, it should 2 weeks or more. I had no idea that it would take this long to have our next living child and that I'd be 38 trying a 3rd time.
We waited the nurse to come in so that I could put Snowflake in the container to send to the lab. It took her forever, a different nurse I had never met. She was extremely nervous, was dropping things, she wasn't sure what size container she'd need, the small one or the bigger one. She didnt know if there was an umbilical cord yet at this stage. I told her that I thought there was but wasn't for sure. She said that they'd send the cord to the local lab. I could tell she probably had never done this. She handed me the cup and left the room. I transferred Snowflake to the container. And started sobbing. She came back in gave me a half arm hug and said I'm so sorry, this whole office was so sad to hear the news. And said we so wanted this baby to make it. I have to admit that I felt like an alien when I got to the office. Like everyone was staring and thinking...... that's her..... she lost another baby.
My heart was breaking most when I thought about telling my 3 1/2 year old son. He's already a baby loss brother he should not have to go through this again. It's so confusing for him. He wants a living baby sister so bad. He stares at babies at the store and tries to entertain them. We weren't going to tell him about Snowflake until we knew everything was ok but he found out at a family gathering. And he was so excited. He had lots of questions though and kept wondering if Gracie was back in my tummy. He was just starting to understand that it was Snowflake a new baby. We told him this afternoon that Snowflake is with Gracie in heaven. I don't think he gets it though. I know he will follow-up with questions usually at bedtime. After we lost Gracie he asked if we could get another baby in my tummy.
I don't know why I feel the need to write all this out but it seems like it helps to tell it. And I'm gonna try to do what feels right for now.
Thank you all so much for the name photos, love, support and prayers. I really feel so supported through this loss which is so much different then after losing Gracie. It's pretty horrific but much less so with all of you.
At 26 1/2 weeks pregnant I noticed that our baby Gracie wasn't kicking. Her heart wasn't beating anymore and she went on to be with Jesus in heaven. She came December 10, 2009, already in heaven. Then January 2, 2011, at 10 weeks, we lost Snowflake to a miscarriage.