Saturday, January 8, 2011

Lots of random stuff

I'm suprised that I have been able to sleep well, mostly this week. The first night though after we saw my doctor Monday, I had anxious sleep where my doctor kept saying over and over again, "particles of conception."

I'm fearing our visit at Laiman's mom and dad's today. My sister in law will be there and she is due any minute. I hoping she will go into labor today and won't be able to come over. The whole family has been awkward the entire time since we lost Gracie. No one will mention Gracie's name or talk about her. My sister in law wants to know what my labor was like with Gavin but deliberating asks to only here about what Gavin's labor was like, knowing full well because I have told her that I was in labor and gave birth to Gracie. I guess that's too different though cuz she was dead.

I'm just waiting for the awkward silence and possible hurtful comments when we get there but hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised.

I'm wondering if Laiman is at his breaking point. After we had Gracie he was very supportive of me and my grief but didn't appear to have much grief outwardly. But this week he has been very open with his feelings. We have both had a lot of difficutly concentrating. I discovered that I had left Gavin's medicine in the kitchen cubboard in a bowl earlier in the week. And when Laiman was putting our kitties in their beds, he caught himself actually trying to put Chleo in the refrigerator. I've seen him cry this week more than I've ever seen him cry. And he keeps saying that he hasn't had enough time to recover. He started work on Tuesday.

I'm trying to not get anxious about what's wrong with my body. I want answers and it's gonna be a while to arrive at any. We still have to wait at least 2 weeks for the karityping. Once we get those results we want to meet with a new fertility specialist about whether low progesterone will likely be a problem for me in subsequent pregnancy. And I'd also like to know the real definition of low progesterone, it seems that there is a lot of different opinions on this. We are pretty sure I have endometriosis and worry that it could cause infertility besides all the pain it causes. I'd like to have laperscopy but trying to decide the best timing for this.

After we had Gracie, Laiman wanted to wait 6 months to ttc again. I was ready right away and waiting 6 months was tortureous. Laiman suprised me this week when he said "you want to get pregnant as soon as we can again don't you?" And said that he wants to too. I'm scared to death. Though I'm starting to believe that doctors can only really tell you your baby is going to die rarely can do anything about it.

1 comment:

  1. I hope your visit went as well as it could go today, Monica. I'm sorry it has been so awkward and it definitely doesn't make any of this any easier. Thinking of you and hoping you can find some answers in the coming weeks. (((((HUGS))))))