I realized this morning that God is in control. Dah!! Something that I should never doubt but sometimes doubts creep in and God would like to refine those doubts into a trust as pure as gold.
People say the darndest things. Not long after we lost Gracie, my aunt came for a visit. She told me next time don't try so hard to conceive. As if it was our fault for trying hard to conceive her? Now in my head I knew that was so not true. And it made me really mad that she said it. But I believe Santan was trying to place seeds of doubt that have lingered.
When you know just what it takes to create a life, egg + sperm. And you track your cycle and know exactly the day you ovulate, because you get confirmation from the ovulation predictor kit. And you know just the right dance to get the sperm to the egg. You do start to feel empowered with the idea that you're in control of the moment. And you start to believe that you made it happen. And that plus the seeds of doubt that Satan tried to place believing that I'm in control of when life is created are just not a true belief.
If I were to continue down the track with this belief and conceive then I can imagine believing that I have a lot to do with whether the baby lives or dies. I believe that God sees this flawed belief in me and wants to refine it into trust.
So now I'm comforted by the fact that I'm about to ovulate in 2 days but I'll be having a test to see if I'll be getting my gallbladder removed so ttc is out of the question for this month. I'm not in control and this is good. God is showing me that he needs me to fully trust that he's the one who decides when a life is created. It has nothing to do with what I decide. He cares enough about me to make sure I'm ready to trust Him. I'm sure I will need to build the foundation of trust, especially if I conceive in His time but also for many other challenges I'll be facing in life.
God is in control and I give Him the glory. He knows me and knows just what I need way better than I do.
1 Peter 1:7
"These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
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