I have such a hard time when it comes to getting to know new people. I used to feel like I could relate to most people and even if I hadn't been through what they have been through I could still have understanding and compassion towards them. I'm starting to realize that this is yet another thing that has completely changed and to a point where I have been feeling very insecure when I meet new people.
Today my Bible study restarted again after taking the summer off. There were probably twice as many ladies as there were at the end of Bible study last time. So out of 35 people I probably only knew 15 and the rest I had never met before. So of coarse we're suppose to introduce ourself and go around and say how many kids we have. One of the most horrid questions anyone could ask and cause a BLM to stress out. So I tried my best to assess the situation, how am I feeling, how do they look, will it cause them to treat me differently knowing about Gracie??? And I'm instantly overwhelmed. I usually go into a situtation like this and look forward to meeting and getting to know new people. But I'm sitting there realizing that they really won't ever know me well until they know about my daughter Gracie who died but usually the words your baby girl is dead is very off putting. You'd expect that people would be very understanding and compassionate and listen but why would someone who doesn't even know me be williing to listen and be heart broken for my loss. I have a feeling that the percentage of people who would be willing to do this is very low. So I say nothing about Gracie even though the 15 that I do know, know about Gracie. I know I'm so much more than a BLM but it is so much a part of who I am that without it I feel like they have no idea who I am. But I want to wait until I know them better and am in a smaller group before I talk about it.
And of coarse 2 newly pregnant moms talk about how horrible the exhaustion and nausea is at this stage in the pregnancy. And they talk about it like it's the worst thing that's ever happened in the world. And one of the moms asks for prayer because she's been having nightmares and has a really bad feeling that there's something wrong with this baby which is her 4th of only healthy pregnancies. And they all tell her that they're sure the baby is fine while I sit in fear for her that maybe she knows and there really is something horribly wrong.
I want to sit and relate to everything that everybody talks about but when they say that they can so relate to the song, "Praise You in this storm," because they are having a difficult time now that there parents are getting older and they are having to take care of them it makes me think you have no idea what a storm is and how hard it really can be to Praise Him in this storm.
I wish the world didn't treat all women like nothing bad has ever happened to them when 1:4 have had a miscarriage, many have had stillborn births, many have lost infants and many are infertile. To assume that nothing bad has ever happened to a women it's simply not true.
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