Snowflake

It's been a long time since I've written. I don't know why but I just haven't been able to write until now. Sunday night I was so bummed feeling like AF was about to show up. It's been 6 months of ttc and I was worried and terribly anxious. These 2ww have been really taking their toll. We had scheduled an appointment with the fertility doctor for Nov. 29. Then my mom was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and the surgery was scheduled 7 hours from here in Spokane, on Nov. 29. So I stewed all night long about what to do, since if I rescheduled the fertility doctor then we'd be into January where our $700 deductible would start over. I'm 38 years old and every month I wait to do anything could be detrimental. I really wanted to be their for my mom but the stakes were getting high. I thought for sure AF would be here in the morning but if it wasn't I planned to pee on a stick.

Monday we woke up, my son peeked out the front room window to see snow falling so beautifully. What an exciting time for him, his first snow of the year. I got the Clear Blue Easy stick out, the digital kind. I was thinking it was pointless to check, because I was sure AF would be here. I didn't even pay much attention losing interest knowing that it would take 3 minutes for the results. After distractedly reading facebook updates, I peered over to the stick and I couldn't believe my eyes. It said "pregnant!!!!!" Wooha!! I started shaking. I couldn't believe my eyes.

First phone call to my husband, he was at work and couldn't say much besides "congratulations" which probably also gave it away to his coworkers.

I can't tell you how excited I am. It's not like I wasn't excited when I saw the results for Gavin and Gracie but I was also semi not ready for either of those pregnancies. I feel more ready than ever to be pregnant again and I'm loving this. And I so pray that Gavin's next sibling will be here to stay a while.

So because we found out for the first snow of the year. She/He will be nicknamed Snowflake until we know whether it's a boy or a girl and yes we will be finding out this time.

I know the truth is 25% will end in miscarriage. So many of your stories of loss including my own have flashed through my mind since I saw the result. But I'm going to follow the example of all of the other BLM's who went on to have their rainbows. Enjoying every moment because who knows when the last moment will be.

The plan is to not tell anyone but my BLM's and t18/13 family until the ultrascreen results come at around week 12. Gosh I just feel like telling everybody though so who knows if I can wait that long. You'll know when I post to everyone on facebook not just my BLM's and t18/13 family. Please let me know if you'd rather not hear any new baby updates and I can block you from those posts on facebook. I really do understand because I've had many days where it was soooo painful to hear of another new pregnancy.

But I just had to tell you all, because I can and would love to have as many prayers go up and postive thoughts. Thank you all for your wonderful love and support.

My BB gave me this quote this morning. What would I do without her:

"Do not look forward to what might happen tomorrow; the same Everlasting Father who cares for you today, will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings." St Francis de Salles

Snowflake will hopefully be born healthy and safe on around Aug. 1.

Overwhelmed when meeting new people

I have such a hard time when it comes to getting to know new people. I used to feel like I could relate to most people and even if I hadn't been through what they have been through I could still have understanding and compassion towards them. I'm starting to realize that this is yet another thing that has completely changed and to a point where I have been feeling very insecure when I meet new people.

Today my Bible study restarted again after taking the summer off. There were probably twice as many ladies as there were at the end of Bible study last time. So out of 35 people I probably only knew 15 and the rest I had never met before. So of coarse we're suppose to introduce ourself and go around and say how many kids we have. One of the most horrid questions anyone could ask and cause a BLM to stress out. So I tried my best to assess the situation, how am I feeling, how do they look, will it cause them to treat me differently knowing about Gracie??? And I'm instantly overwhelmed. I usually go into a situtation like this and look forward to meeting and getting to know new people. But I'm sitting there realizing that they really won't ever know me well until they know about my daughter Gracie who died but usually the words your baby girl is dead is very off putting. You'd expect that people would be very understanding and compassionate and listen but why would someone who doesn't even know me be williing to listen and be heart broken for my loss. I have a feeling that the percentage of people who would be willing to do this is very low. So I say nothing about Gracie even though the 15 that I do know, know about Gracie. I know I'm so much more than a BLM but it is so much a part of who I am that without it I feel like they have no idea who I am. But I want to wait until I know them better and am in a smaller group before I talk about it.

And of coarse 2 newly pregnant moms talk about how horrible the exhaustion and nausea is at this stage in the pregnancy. And they talk about it like it's the worst thing that's ever happened in the world. And one of the moms asks for prayer because she's been having nightmares and has a really bad feeling that there's something wrong with this baby which is her 4th of only healthy pregnancies. And they all tell her that they're sure the baby is fine while I sit in fear for her that maybe she knows and there really is something horribly wrong.

I want to sit and relate to everything that everybody talks about but when they say that they can so relate to the song, "Praise You in this storm," because they are having a difficult time now that there parents are getting older and they are having to take care of them it makes me think you have no idea what a storm is and how hard it really can be to Praise Him in this storm.

I wish the world didn't treat all women like nothing bad has ever happened to them when 1:4 have had a miscarriage, many have had stillborn births, many have lost infants and many are infertile. To assume that nothing bad has ever happened to a women it's simply not true.

Help Baby Girls Are Everywhere

So it was kind of a big stretch for me to go to a baby girl shower and a gender reveal party which revealed another baby girl is on her way. My husbands brother and wife are expecting a baby girl in January. I kept with my mantra (God's timing is perfect and why would I want anything other than what God has for me) however and I got through both parties without any weird freak outs or sob sessions. At the party we all wore the color pink or blue to display our guesses of whether it was a boy or a girl. So of coarse I wore pink. We ate cupcakes filled with pink filling and that's how we all were notified that it was a girl. I realized that the hardest part will probably be when I actually see these babies after they're born. I may have to come up with an even stronger mantra for that time.

Another hurdle could be October 23 when I'm invited to a party for a close family friend who is a BLM and became a BLM before me. Please keep her in your prayers she is expecting a baby girl in 2 weeks. There will be a "shower" for her on October 23 so I will actually, God willing, be seeing a LIVE brand new baby girl at the "shower." She doesn't want to call it a shower though as you may understand her unwillingness to have a shower as she is a BLM. October 23, 2009 is a horrible date for me even though it is my mother's birthday it is also the day we were told that Gracie had trisomy 18. If you can think of a mantra to get me through that day if I even go to the party that would be great.

So I feel like I have baby girls coming out of everywhere but me:
Baby Girls Expected:
Close family friend, Sept.
Cousin, Dec.
My Belly Buddy, Dec.
Sister-in-Law, Jan.

I'm sort of dreading fall and winter because its when we got the bad news and it's when Gracie was born. I'm still trying to smile because she lived and quit dwelling on the hurt but it's a process and maybe a lifetime process.

First Baby Shower and Thoughtless Comments

I just got home from the first baby shower since Gracie left us. I was doing really well on the drive over. Truly believing that God's plan was exactly right and that we just don't know what he's doing sometimes. I was thinking about one of the facebook friends I met through the trisomy 18 group just after we lost Gracie. She lost her daughter in Nov. 09 a month before we lost Gracie. And sadly she just lost her rainbow baby at 33 weeks just about a week ago. Wow did that stun me and my heart aches for her. When she annouced her rainbow pregnancy it was one of the first announcements I had heard of after losing Gracie. I was a lot shocked out how quickly it had happened for them and we weren't even trying at that point. You just don't know which one's will go straight to heaven and which one's stay here with us. I am again reminded to love deeply but assume that you really don't know when the last day will be with anyone.

So this shower was for my cousin who has a daughter 3 weeks older than my 3 year old son. When I announced my pregnancy with Gracie she told me that she just wasn't ready for another one yet so at that time I assumed that the rest of our babies wouldn't be the same age. But then she announced that she was ttc just before we decided to start trying this time and so then I thought well maybe this next one will be the same age. Well now I'm here, the day of her shower and still haven't had luck ttc. I have to go back to it's all in God's timing and why would I want anything other than what God has for me. But it's so hard to keep my mind framed around that thought and not wonder why we haven't yet. And wonder why everyone I know who was trying is now pregnant. It's so easy to slip into that thought pattern.

The shower wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Thankfully it was a small shower and I didn't have to look at a ton of baby girl clothing items. When she told me she found out she was having a girl she said she cried. I told her it could be worse and she said, "yeah, it could be worse, I could be having twin girls." This side of the family has trouble using their head when they speak. Her mother today said that our side of the family ruined getting together for Thanksgiving last year. I can't believe she said that because my side of the family had Thanksgiving at my house last year because I wasn't allowed to travel being pregnant with Gracie.

I will choose to not hold a grudge even though my feelings tell me too.

So in 10 minutes we leave to go to my husbands brother and sister-in-laws baby gender reveal party. Wish me luck!! What a day!!! I'll tell you about it later.

So Up and Down, Here we go again

If I'm going to be honest this blog isn't just about ttc after Gracie. This blog is my outlet for all the things I want to say that I don't want my IRL people and my non blms to know about. I'm telling you I never realized the world of support out there that I'd find after I started Gracie's blogspot blog. This community is one of the most compassionate, loving and caring communities I've ever been a part of. I'm so thankful for each and everyone of you. Not that I'm not thankful for my IRL friends and family it's just that because they don't always get it and they say insensitive things at times and I feel spied on at times with the God's Gracie blog, I feel like they inhibit my ability to get it all out there and find healing.

So we still are ttc, and I'm still hopefull this month could be it. Counting down to ovulation day and doing the dance every other day until that day and then daily after ovulation. My husband agreed with another blm's husband that it seems like more like breeding. Whatever!!!

And let me tell you it gives me some hope to hear that Megan, and Michelle and Lori, and Maddie and Maggie, and Jill and Rachel and who am I forgetting are all on their way to actually holding their rainbow babies in their arms. By the way I believe that all of you are having girls just to challenge my ability to keep from having jealousy issues. I'm excited for all of you although if I'm honest I do feel a slight bit of panic and anxiety over hearing these announcements especially so close together. You all are in my prayers constantly. And thank you for paving the way.

The last few weeks have been a reprieve for me. I feel like I have had some healing, what Michelle wrote reminded me some of what I learned after we got Gracie's diagnosis and I had to use the mantra "God has my new normal," just to get my self out of the house. Also remembering that I won't be who I'm meant to be if I don't go through this. And I loved what Michelle said:

I marvel at God's decision to mold me into the mother of a heavenly child.
A hard calling, yet a deep calling.
A painful calling, yet a blessed calling.
A lonely calling, yet a comforting calling.
A sad calling, yet a joyful calling.
A painful calling, yet a healing calling.

Now I feel crazy because, after reading that earlier this week I felt like I've been healed a little and moved toward acceptance that God really did know what He was doing. I think I was focused on the deep, blessed, comforting, joyful and healing part of the calling. Maybe it's my hormones stirring this up but today I've had tons of flashbacks. The last few weeks I was maybe having a little denial spell because I was feeling ok with what happened. Now today I keep flashing back to when I was in labor and pushing her out and then looking over at my husband sitting in the corner trying not to pass out with a look of horror on his face. At that time I was in so much shock I don't think I was fully grasping everything. And I keep going through these cycles where I'm feel like I'm doing ok and then it hits me again the flashback start up and then I realize how appalling it is that I gave birth to my little girl who was dead. Are these cycles ever going to just finally stop on the acceptance button? I know that its normal to feel denial, depression, anger and acceptance. I just wonder if you ever just stop at acceptance or if it just keeps cycling through all of them the rest of your life.

When I think of this cycle I also think of the cycle that Jesus went through for us: Suffer, Die then Rise. I want to stay on the Rise and quit the suffering and dying. Who doesn't!! When a flower dies it leaves a seed in the soil that if cultivated will grow into another flower. So without the suffering and dying there is no rising so I guess without the cycle there is no rising. And I'm trying to remember the quote, can't find the book right now but it's so well put about the cycle a flower goes through actually dying before it's seed falls to the ground and shoots up again and grows into a flower. It's from Elisa.beth Ell.iot's book, "A Very Present Help." Is the suffering and dying worth the rising? I hope so. The other day I thought it was but today I'm not so sure.

Gallbladder is fine

So thank goodness, my gallbladder is not bad enough to need surgery and we can keep ttc!! Wooohoo!!

I don't really have much to write but I thought I would at least share. I was really worried that if it was a gallbladder issue that if I get pregnant it would get worse. And I really don't want to be faced with a need for surgery while pregnant like you can probably imagine. So thankfully the surgeon reassured me that since I don't have gallstones that pregnancy will not make it worse. I do have biliary dyskensia but my symptoms aren't bad enough to warrant surgery at this point and the level was right on the edge of normal.

I'm relived. And did I say that we can keep ttc!! Woohoo!! PTL!!

Refining

I realized this morning that God is in control. Dah!! Something that I should never doubt but sometimes doubts creep in and God would like to refine those doubts into a trust as pure as gold.

People say the darndest things. Not long after we lost Gracie, my aunt came for a visit. She told me next time don't try so hard to conceive. As if it was our fault for trying hard to conceive her? Now in my head I knew that was so not true. And it made me really mad that she said it. But I believe Santan was trying to place seeds of doubt that have lingered.

When you know just what it takes to create a life, egg + sperm. And you track your cycle and know exactly the day you ovulate, because you get confirmation from the ovulation predictor kit. And you know just the right dance to get the sperm to the egg. You do start to feel empowered with the idea that you're in control of the moment. And you start to believe that you made it happen. And that plus the seeds of doubt that Satan tried to place believing that I'm in control of when life is created are just not a true belief.

If I were to continue down the track with this belief and conceive then I can imagine believing that I have a lot to do with whether the baby lives or dies. I believe that God sees this flawed belief in me and wants to refine it into trust.

So now I'm comforted by the fact that I'm about to ovulate in 2 days but I'll be having a test to see if I'll be getting my gallbladder removed so ttc is out of the question for this month. I'm not in control and this is good. God is showing me that he needs me to fully trust that he's the one who decides when a life is created. It has nothing to do with what I decide. He cares enough about me to make sure I'm ready to trust Him. I'm sure I will need to build the foundation of trust, especially if I conceive in His time but also for many other challenges I'll be facing in life.

God is in control and I give Him the glory. He knows me and knows just what I need way better than I do.

1 Peter 1:7
"These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

TTC set back

So today I'm day 11 in my cycle. Sick as a dog. And no I don't think I'm pregnant, it would have had to happen at day 7 which just isn't very likely since I usually ovulate on day 14 or 15. My doctor suspects gallbladder issues which I have been avoiding because I didn't want to have a surgery set back our plans ttc. However if I need to have it removed it's better to take care of this before I get pregnant. No need to make it any more stressful that it will already be. Day 14 and 15 is coming up and I don't want to miss the window but they're still running test to see what's wrong with me and I'm thinking this months ttc may be messed up espeically if I don't quit throwing up and feeling nauseated.

I don't want to wait another month. It took my husband 6 months to feel ready to try again so we've only tried one month so far but it feels like we've been trying for years cuz I can't wait to get pregnant!!!

OK so I'm thinking there must be a reason for this. God's timing is not my timing. I'm trusting that God's plan is better. Maybe God knows that it would be really hard to conceive the very same month that we conceived Gracie last year. I don't wanna wait but maybe we have to.

Alone and TTC

I'm feeling so alone. Except that I feel less alone knowing that Ke.lly Ri.pa also has a mustache that she is going to have to deal with.

I'm not pregnant and my closest friend is pregnant. And almost everyone I think of is pregnant right now. I didn't think it would bother me so bad until the a/f came last night and now I feel so alone and left behind.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I can now remove the hair on my upper lip. Highlight my hair. Weed and feed the yard. And finish painting the kitchen. Clean the litter box.......ok maybe not so much but at least it will get done when I want it to be done the next couple of weeks until OV happens again. And drink beer.

And also I'm sorta scared to death to be pregnant. I'm seriously worried about the anxiety that will likely come with being pregnant again. The fear and scare of every pain, drip, and symptom that will come and scare me to death that my baby has died. The 2ww of our first time ttc in May was bad enough, scared to death of doing anything that would do harm to the baby. Scared to death of every move I made might come back to haunt me even if it wasn't anything that I actually did that would cause another loss but scared that anything I do would haunt me later as something that could have caused a loss. And I wasn't even pregnant just the 2ww where I could have been pregnant. What's it going to be like once I'm actually pregnant? I should add an "if." and what's it going to be like "if" I never do get pregnant and "if" Gavin never has a living sibling to play with. I know I have to let the peace that paseth understanding guard my heart and mind. Praying might be a good idea at this point.